Self-care
“Self-care” seems to be the new label for what used to be “self-help”. I like it. It sounds more proactive, less reactive.
Self-care has moved to my forefront during and after a chunk of years with some converging, heavy mid-life “challenges” like divorce, caring for a parent with dementia and then grieving her death, supporting two kids through teen and early adulthood by myself, navigating surgery and a health scare, hormonal changes, and seeing myself and my friends go through physical changes as we age into the next phase in life.
Some key takeaways and practices that have really helped me:
Music. Listening to my favorites from my past that hold connection, history, and nostalgia. And also listening to new artists like The Favors, discovering songs that make me feel everything from sadness to anger to joy, and the ultimate feeling of being understood, less alone. After clinging to my iPod playlist for a decade, when I finally moved to streaming, I happily discovered how the algorithm could bring new artists and songs into my life while mixing with my favorites. And of course, singing badly and loudly in the car or living room to blasting music is always a great release of stress!
Going to see live music. From expensive stadium/arena concerts like Billie Eilish and Coldplay to mid-size theaters like Sarah McLachlan to tribute bands like Abba and Johnny Cash in very small community theaters, to small cover bands in bars and restaurants - the excitement and power of seeing live performances can make me feel all the feels and grateful to be alive.
Being in or near water. Walking along the ocean or a river, watching the gentle movement on a lake, or feeling my body within a pool always calms my nervous system, connects me to both the outside world and within my own body.
Wearing clothes that make me feel confident and beautiful. While there are wonders in soothing yourself in comfort clothes - be it a favorite pajama, sweats, hoodies, oversized t-shirts - there is something transforming in putting on that new dress sitting in the back of your closet with tags still attached waiting for the right occasion. Putting on make-up, jewelry, shoes that make you stand taller. Seeing my painted nails as I type on my keyboard makes me feel more confident. When I see myself in a reflection or on a zoom, I remember who I am.
Connecting with my favorite people. Could be a text, a phone call or a video call. Maybe sharing a link to something you enjoyed. Sometimes it’s reaching out to cry or ask for support, and other times it’s to say, “Tell me about what’s going on in your life,” or to talk about what you’ve both been watching or reading lately. And in the middle of all our mid-life busyness, carving out actual in person visits.
Going to the movies. Sinking into a comfy seat with warm popcorn or pretzel bites to be taken away into another world.
Getting out to new places. Author speaks, group viewings of films followed by discussions, attending Meetups with groups of similar interests or that are going to places I wanted to check out, like a wine bar with red lighting, mood music and banquettes. I went to one beautiful restaurant/bar with live music by myself on a particularly tough day and had a great time laughing with two women I met while nervously sitting at the bar by myself. Another night, I danced until my feet hurt. I had entered with a group of strangers from a Meetup and wound up very happily dancing by myself for a while!
Reading or listening to Audibles and Podcasts. Sometimes I can’t find the focus - both mentally and literally, with aging eyesight -to read an entire book, which I am missing terribly. So I finally caved in to try Audibles and podcasts and found a new way to disappear into other worlds for windows of time.
Moving my body more. Dancing! And singing badly with it! Living room or kitchen works great, at a concert or bar gets bonus points. Walking outside daily - paired with chatting to a favorite person keeps both going longer. Or sometimes walking alone quietly feeling the weather, listening and observing the season. Stretching is underrated and really helpful for releasing my tight neck, shoulder and jaw muscles. Just Dance videos or YouTube guided exercise can work sometimes, and to my shock, I have been trying out an actual gym (have always hated them) with a personal trainer teaching me the almighty strength training everyone says is pivotal for women “of my age” to remain independent in old age. Fingers crossed it sticks!
Learning how to enjoy eating healthier foods. I started this step with the concept and goal of “Food as medicine,” after watching my mom’s health issues and having one of my own. Nothing exotic, no fad diet - just eating more fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, more fiber; no junk or highly processed foods. I’ve been surprised to discover new foods and meals I really enjoy that also are shown to be protective of the diseases I am hoping to avoid.
Boundary setting. - First here is the obvious - blocking out toxic people from your life. And then there are the more subtle things like saying no sometimes. I now block early morning meetings from my calendar to allow myself to go back to sleep after the sun rises when hormones or problem-solving overdrive keep me awake in the middle of the night. (Prioritize your sleep is definitely true!)
Therapy & mental health care. I think just being alive makes mental health care a necessity, but after the list I shared above from my recent experiences, it’s a must. Having a history of anxiety disorders, CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) has been the most helpful modality for me. I am fortunate to have an outstanding therapist highly regarded in the CBT world (a perk to living NYC adjacent). I’m also in an online support group that started during covid shutdowns and has been such a positive, supportive group that we have continued years in and supported one another through many things. Led by another great therapist, I feel very lucky to have found it. And then there are apps like “Calm”, with great contributors like Jeff Warren’s Daily Trip. I have a great Progressive Muscle Relaxation on audio by another excellent psychologist, Dr. Ball. As you can see, I have invested a lot into caring for my mental health. I can’t recommend it enough.
Allowing myself to daydream about my future. This can be a hard one for me sometimes because of my fears of the future, health anxieties, and some sort of magical thinking/superstition. I sometimes fear hoping and looking forward because I’m scared it won’t happen and I’ll be disappointed or devastated. Knowing I will need to sell my house when my youngest graduates high school in two years, I have been looking at places I might relocate to, and listings for houses. It’s been more fun than I’d thought and I’m both building images of where I want to be and motivating myself to work hard and save towards this as my primary goal.
Flipping the script on how I “talk” to myself. As corny as it sounds, talking more kindly to myself in my thoughts has made a difference. Words matter - whether said out loud or in our thoughts. Being kinder, and more neutrally descriptive rather than catastrophizing. Trying to talk to myself the way I would to a friend or one of my children. When feeling woeful, I practice thinking of moments and things in my day that I was grateful for, and then planning small things later that I could look forward to. The 5-4-3-2-1 exercise can be really helpful for grounding into the present moment - Notice 5 things you see, 4 sounds you hear, 3 touches you feel, 2 scents you smell, and 1 taste.
TV, movies. Of course, most of us have indulged in marathoning a great show or watching a movie. When you find the right ones, it’s a great way to rest your body and take your mind away from your responsibilities.
Doing something creative. I recently discovered a great comedian, Josh Johnson, who has been making me laugh - which is always my ideal self-care. I saw him say in an interview that he had decided a few years back to commit himself to improving his comedy by posting a video with new material every Tuesday. And now that he has done that consistently once per week for a few years, he has reached great success and connected with people all over the world. He encouraged viewers to find something they want to do, a craft they want to get better at, and make that a once a week commitment. For me, it’s writing. So here I am. This is my creative outlet, the craft I want to learn and grow with. I am on my fifth consecutive week so far. Wish me luck and share some of your self-care go-tos if you made it this far!
